Happy Hookerween

It's that time of year again... the time when all fashion rules go out the window in favor of wearing as little cheap fabric as possible and freezing your rear off.  What do I mean?  Here, let Lindsay Lohan explain:



(Good lord she looked fantastic when this movie came out.  But I digress.)

That's right ladies, it's time again to ask yourself why children and grown men get a selection of actual Halloween costumes while we get about 90% stripper-wear and 10% "cow suit with squirting udders."  Can someone please explain this to me?  When did Halloween become the day when women are all expected to freeze our extremities off because we're wearing some cheap, shiny, probably unflattering costume bastardization of a beloved character or archetype?  You can't be an angel, you have to be a sexy angel.  Sexy fireman!  Sexy nurse!  Sexy gangster!  You can't even be an athlete – you have to be a sexy athlete.

And it just gets dumber every year.  This year I feel like the costume companies have really gone above and beyond to provide truly surreal examples of "sexy" costuming.  Here are a few of the most disturbing and confusing:

Sexy Sesame Street:  Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Elmo. 
Whoever decided Elmo should be sexy should seek therapy.

Remember Freddy Kruger? Disfigured undead child molester Freddy Kruger?
He's a sexy she now.

Sexy Optimus Prime and Bumblebee of the Transformers.
Because nothing says cheesecake like robots that turn into cars.

Sexy Brian from Family Guy.
Yes, this is a sexed-up costume of a male cartoon dog. No, I can't explain it...

 

...but it doesn't even hold a candle to Sexy Chewbacca.

I just don't even get it anymore, people.  It's almost like the costume companies are competing against one another to find the most unsexy things possible to convert into skimpy, ridiculous costumes and then sit back in giddy anticipation to see how many women are actually willing to walk around wearing the insane getups they've made.  A massive conspiratorial practical joke is really the only explanation that makes sense to me.  It's all just gotten too weird. 

So what's a girl to do?  Well, Ricky's NYC, the city-based beauty retailer, has a pretty extensive  Halloween Shop that includes a terrifyingly expansive selection of "sexy" costumes (everything I've shown here except Chewbacca comes from there – Sexy Chewbacca will run you $200+ here) but also has plenty of other costumes as well as a wide assortment of wigs, makeup, and accessories. 

If your taste tends toward the surreal but away from the revealing, check out the collection of costumes Simon Doonan (Creative Director for Barney's NY) designed for Target.  It includes something called a "Glamour Ghost" (a white robe emblazoned with the phrase Chic or Treat) and a Vegas-style Elvis vampire.  Target also has a large stock of less campy costume options. 

If you're crafty, of course, you can always make your own costume.  I'm not all that crafty but over the years I've amassed a lot of random accessories (cat ears, horns purchased at the renaissance faire, sparkly wings and a tunic from the year I was Tinkerbell, etc.) to be able to MacGuyver something together at the last minute – because I always wind up waiting until the last minute and then there's nothing left at the stores but that stupid squirting cow suit. 

But whatever you do or wear this Halloween, I implore you: don't fall victim to the Hookerween Conspiracy.  You'll only wind up freezing and possibly turning someone's warm childhood memory into a weirdly kinky trauma.